Hump day

During the business day, there are situations best left for a later hour, say after lunch, but unfortunately the most demanding of critters whelp for attention at 8AM. Why yes, I fed the cats at 5,6 and 7AM. These distractions have human origins.

For example, a vendor whom I assured on six prior calls that I have no — and no one at the premises does, maybe even the planet — interest in his wares. Or the staff who eats jelly sandwiches over their laptop, then cries about a non responsive machine, and a keyboard short half its letters. Actually, they were OK about the blank keys and jelly in the vents; it was Apple spinning wheel of doom they found irksome.

Why do I mention this? Because I’m of the opinion that for every workplace, a horde — and they may be quite beautiful or charming, others bald and fat, but no matter the packaging they are still attention suckers — lurks, watches, and waits for their victims. Like a snake in the desert they strike without warning. They live to distract someone. Possibly you. And definitely me.

I wonder though, do I play the role of sinkhole to a fellow coworker? Could I be the dullard in someone else’s office? Perhaps I too am cursed behind closed doors, in a low tones. Nah. My weekend tales around the water cooler are all aces…

You’re my boy, Blue!

The colder the temperature, the easier it is to think, the easier my work is. I can not communicate effectively — send me to re-re school — in hot, muggy climates. Writing in the summer, therefore, can be one rough ticket, a struggle which verges on Sisyphusean. Often when I read what I produced during a hot spell, the pages can look foreign, as if someone else wrote them. In a way, somebody else did. A madman. Or at least a not-very-happy-man.

As a preventive strike against the heat wave this weekend, I cranked the AC in my little office to maximum this morning. It is now 11:15AM and the sweater, jeans and long sleeve shirt are not cutting it. God, it just doesn’t get any better than this.

Monster Mashup

The Swiss appreciate the offbeat side of life. For instance, they tolerated my two dollar ties – ah, those zany NYC street vendors – Sears and Roebuck crew cuts, and refusal to learn French. God bless Switzerland.

And in terms of cuisine they have even more interesting tastes, especially in condiments. The McDonald’s in Geneva charges for ketchup, but one condiment is free to all takers: mayonnaise. At the foothills of the Alps, mayo works overtime. Like French Fries and mayonnaise. Mayonnaise and mustard makes a tangy sauce. And for breakfast: cold cuts, eggs, champagne and tub of mayonnaise on the side. The urge to dip could strike at any time.

So in the spirit of the Swiss, I thought why not mash up some movie reviews?

The Break Up meets The Omen.

Omen Up. 2006 and Jennifer Aniston wants her half of the condominium back. She’s tired of your video games, dogs with sharp teeth, and disregard for her feelings. Well too bad for her, you are the son of the Devil. Grab hold of that landing, Ms. Aniston!

Verdict: Breakup, Omen — DVD rental.

X-Men meets Mission Impossible 3.

X-Impossible. Part of an elite team of mutants, Tom Cruise races against time to save a girl we never believe he loves. Unfortunately, Ms. Right is insane and whenever she kisses him, buildings explode and he becomes more heterosexual. And we all believe that. To keep us awake, every thirty-two minutes a major character dies.

Verdict: X-Men DVD Purchase. Mission Impossible 3: Cable. Better with malt liquor and Primus.

First days back in the office…

…are filled with voice messages, junk solicitations, and email about projects that were due three months ago. Almost makes me want to avoid time outs from the office. Oops. Was that my outside voice? In the end though, it was a Monday – complete with three teachers converging on my office bearing dead or dying laptops.

By Wednesday I’ll clear what remains of the landslide out of my path. Then back to the edit grindstone.