So long temperatures of doom

Writer guy

The back of a heat wave that morphed the Tri-State area into a free-for-all sauna over the last three days breaks at 8pm. And I am counting the seconds. I’d crack its spine with a sledgehammer myself, were this maneuver possible.

Over the last several years, mild summers and the remnants of youth lulled me to believe that I might commute without proper air conditioning. The car A/C worked for the first 4 seasons, then went on strike last year. Really, not much of a problem, because temperate days were so rare. Surely good weather lasts forever. And so I balked at paying for a repair job. Chalk up another error of not listening to the Wife.

Welcome to Planet Pain.

Today is the best of the hot snap; it only felt like 103 degrees. Which brings me to the only trait I share with the late Hunter S. Thompson: neither of us can express ourselves in oppressive climates.

Lord

Writer guy

Pity the cold callers who reach me at work. At home I have a little more patience with them, though barely. Today I ripped into one during an unsolicited phone call. The company has contacted the school several times about a product that extends the life of toner cartridges. In theory this sounds great; however, in practice I have neither heard of the corporation nor anyone who uses their products. Needless to say, my defenses touch off whenever a call starts with, am I speaking with the person in charge of ( insert technical commodity ). Today marks the second instance that one of their representatives tried wooing me.

A sample of the first:
Leech: Am I speaking with the person in charge of the printer maintenance?
Sam: Yes.
Leech: Good. How are you today, sir?
Sam: Better when this call ends, I think.
Leech: My companys makes a product that does X for just Y you can have 500 units.
Sam: I’m not buying 500 units of something I’ve never heard of.
Leech: Oh, well we have a special 250 unit pack. Would that be better?
Sam: Not really.
Leech: Since you are so concerned about value, I’d like to offer you the 100 unit pack. That’s a savings of almost 75 percent!
Sam: I know what would work for me. Send me some company literature, and I’ll review it and then decide.
Leech: How about a 25 unit pack? That’s 95 percent off.
Sam: How about you put something in writing, then I get back to you. Here’s our mailing address.
Leech ( hangs up )

One month later….

SonOfLeech: Am I speaking to the person in charge of the printers?
Sam: Yes.
SonOfLeech: I’m from X company and we sell a product that solves all your toner woes.
Sam: I think I spoke with someone before from your company. You have a 500, 250 and 100 unit pack right?
SonOfLeech: Yes. Which can I put you down for?
Sam: Put me down for company literature.
SonOfLeech: Sir, this will save money on toner cartridges….
Sam: Here’s my mailing address. Unless you are willing to put this offer in writing and send me a catalog, we’re not doing business.
SonOfLeech: But..
Sam: Do you want the address?
SonOfLeech: Have a good day, sir.
Sam ( hangs up )

Dear God, please fill them with the courage to call again. I want to test out my “psycho” tech guy routine.

Day Three…I want three more…

Writer guy

As Day Three of my self-imposed exile ends, I note with sadness that the run is over; tomorrow the school bell tolls for thee. Ack.

What follows are a few lessons I want to remember from the experience:
1) Offline writing increases productivity. In fact, the surest way to end creative streaks — launch a web browser slither into the Web’s clutches. A laptop with a decent word processor and no wireless card is the recommended configuration. My greatest realization in the last four years.

2) Divide writing days into two main sessions. A long morning stint, while the brain is freshest, one or two hours of errands, chores, phone calls and eating, then three to four hours on the backstretch. Close with either exercise, alcohol and a shower. In total, it equals roughly eight productive hours, while spanning ten to twelve. During the breaks, engage as many people as possible in conversation. Random compliments can open the floodgates of all sorts of usable dialog or ideas. And there’s no sense turning anti-social, just because the day is spent on anti-social endeavors.

3) The longer the evening session runs, the more spelling devolves, such to the point that by 8 PM the simplest of words, like articles and character names, become Russian Roulette. This breakdown proves the laws of diminishing returns apply beyond physics.

4) Writing outside the home is OK, though choose the spot with care. A buddy’s family room might work. The same dude’s poker table in the middle of a wicked matchup: probably not.

5) Hang up on telemarketers fast, early and often. It’s just the right thing to do. On any day.

Day Two

Writer guy

Wrote through a Sunday afternoon family visit, TV droning in the corner, without anyone really noticing; they almost expect this sort of behavior from me now.

Part of a conversation with my father-in-law: “Working on your book? Old book, new book?” he asked.

By the time I looked up and said, yes, that one, he was fixing a lawn mower in the garage.

I’m going straight to hell, I swear.