A writer, reloaded

Sales of movie tickets are down this year and Hollywood is taking their ball home in a snit. Message to Hollywood � if Passion of the Christ was removed from consideration ticket sales were also down in 2004. This chasm that was box office profit, that shrinks by the weekend, isn’t exactly news.

Several theories might explain the two year decline. First, DVD’s arrive mere months after theatrical release. One expert makes the point that it’s not that people are seeing less movies, it’s that they are seeing them in different ways. That’s true in part, as DVD sales are steady. To many it’s a lot nicer watching in the privacy of their home, no lines, no commercials, cheaper food all of which dovetails into the second issue – the sorry state movie theater experience.

A four hundred and fifty pound woman testing out the recline feature of the seats against your knees while slobbering into a wheelbarrow of popcorn, and slapping her son all the way through the flick can only lead to great tragedy. Inconsiderate cellphone man? Why he’s next to me. Behind, a pack of teenagers kick my seat. Despite the obvious annoyances, I believe a third theory is the most likely culprit, that quality is down and consumers don’t perceive the benefit of the big screen.

As a hard core theater goer I do not say this lightly, but this season offers the smallest number of flicks I consider must see in years. This is the biggest reason the frequency of reviews dropped on the site. I still see a lot of movies; it’s difficult saying nice things about many of them. So I skip the review.

An endless stream of sequels, prequels, reverse engineered television series, half baked horror shows, and reality styled flicks have soured my taste buds. Yes, there’s commercials and steep concession prices, but neither bother me. Really, the commercials beforehand are no problem at all, I just show up 12 minutes after the film �starts�. I’ve yet to miss the final trailer before the flick. And food? What I can’t smuggle into the multiplex in my jacket and jeans, I eat later. I actually don’t mind the woman and her child yapping. However, I do mind when the film is weak.

A final theory for Hollywood. People who pay full price for movies have friends, email and telephones. Weak box office sales because of poor word of mouth and low quality eventually means weaker DVD sales.

America knows what it wants — less crap! Stop making crappy 70′s television shows into crappy movies. Except Wonder Woman. That one will be a smash.

Just got back from Batman Begins. Kicks A**. Check for a proper review later on Friday.

I haven’t disclosed many details about my new love because one, the Wife is very jealous, and two, this is a geek sort of love. But now that Websters’ added the word wedgie to the dictionary, geeks have risen and my lust is appropriate.

Here is a brief feature list:
1) Gray.
2) Comes with a contract
3) Returnable. Sort of.
4) Not available in all areas.
5) Photographic memory and recall.
6) Stylish lines and curves
7) Lightweight.

It is not this cat, but it had everything to do with this picture.

So who is it? For starters, it’s a what, not a who.

Yes! A Treo. At last my own web browser, text message, email, cellphone, digital camera, personal digital assistant. Like my stepfather says, the difference between a man and a boy is the price of the toy.

Fans of Resovoir Dogs, a film by Quentin Tarantino that was cool, remember the scene in the diner where the bad guys clashed over tipping. A crucial scene from a logistics standpoint, for no crew commits felonies on empty stomachs. Now, the baddies considered tipping a good and healthy practice. Every baddie minus Mr. Orange.

Mr. Orange ( Tim Roth ) argued that a waitress wasn’t any different from a cashier at McDonalds. Both served food, handled money and walked to and from the kitchen. To Mr. Orange the jobs were identical, thus the waitress deserved the same gratuity as the cashier. The other baddies blasted Mr. Orange for this stance. After five minutes of Labor and Bureau statistics they finally shamed the tightwad. He tipped, but with extreme prejudice and reservation.

Now the irony: Mr. Orange was the only surrvivor of the crime spree. So this begs several questions. First, is there a karmic consequence to stiffing the waiter/waitress? Second, is the seventeen percent guideline fair and reasonable? Lastly, have you seen what your favorite celebrity tips?

Oh yeah, and Happy Birthday to the Wife.

I’m in the middle of an affair and The Wife knows about every last sundry detail. Rather than cast me to the wolves, The Wife basks in the glow of amour, because she shares my love.

Before you dial up divorce court and Jerry Springer, let me explain. On the 19th we fled New Jersey seeking excitement and relaxation. Two minutes past the New Hampshire border and Maine was all I could talk about. It was pure lust and every minute, magical.

Maine is a fantastic place oozing with friendly people, tasteful homes, pristine coastlines and marvelous sprawling woods. But wait, there’s more! Maine, unlike New Jersey, also believes there is a United States Constitution and Bill of Rights that applies to its citizens. Sweet.

The purpose of the excursion was three fold. First, to enjoy our annual vacation. Second, to sail the Penobscot bay aboard the Victory Chimes. And third, to see a good friend from the Old Country ( Syracuse, NY ) marry the love of his life. As good as they look together, being around them feels twice as good. They are a great couple – both from great families – and I’m proud to know them. Their wedding ( itself a study in perfection ) was the icing on the cake – a fantastic ending to a vacation.

Later this week I’ll post a play by play of the trip. In the meantime, enjoy the new gallery, poll and picture of the week. Have a comment? Use the brand new comments feature to sound off!

A terrible tragedy unfolded today, one that requires immediate legislative intervention. For once it doesn’t involve me dropping a case Newcastle Brown Ale on my foot.

Yes, this meance far exceeds my klutziness and inability to walk a straight line while sober.
In Valley Stream, NY, a 3 year old boy died during a matinee showing of Alien Vs. Predator. The cause of death: choking on popcorn.

Forget why a 3 year old was in a PG-13 movie with violent content and adult situations when there’s a dearth of babysitters available during the summer months. Never mind that no refund was issued. Instead, consider the true evil, an evil that lurks behind the counter at every multiplex in this country. Contrary to dogma spewed by corporate robber barons, it’s more than an innocent snack, it’s a dangerous substance. A child was exposed to this substance, one provided by a profiteering movie theater to his unsuspecting parents, with no questions asked. And as a result, that child died.

We must do something to save the children and stop this unchecked lust for blood profits. To prevent further deaths by popcorn at movie theaters, I propose a 7 day waiting period on the purchase and sale. During this waiting period, thorough background checks may be run on the purchaser. Should an applicant be found to be unfit, the clerk will have legal means to refuse the sale. Training and certifications on the proper methods of handling and transportation the substance will be strongly encouraged.

Please help us save the children from the evils of a profiteering industry.

And remember, no matter what the death merchants claim, dangerous substance + child = death.

Normally this blog end runs around current topics, but one news event this week was just too disturbing for me to overlook.

Mary Kay Letourneau, the 42 year old teacher was released this week from a seven year stint for child rape. Legally she is barred from any communication with her victim, now 21, who’s also the father of two of her children.

Even though this relationship has cost her a teaching job, made her a felon, damned her to sex offender database, led to a divorce and a protracted estrangement with her other children, Mary Kay is back on the prowl for Vili Fualaau. Tragically, Mr. Fualaau is ready for round 3 too, and already mounted a legal challenge to overturn the ban on his contact with Mary Kay. After all now he’s an adult.

Here’s my theory: If we all stop paying attention, they will break up. And better yet, the news will stop reporting the Mary Kay and Vili show.

I don’t want to watch the TV movie with the paperback book tie-in and Barbara Walters pre-broadcast interview. I don’t want to hear her shrill voice on Howard Stern, or look at her centerfold in Playboy. More than any other story this year, this is the one story I want to die.

Let’s not hear from either of them until again until their obituaries.

Rant over. Thanks for tuning in.