Question – is it illegal to blog while intoxicated? Seriously, is that bad form? Not that I’m intoxicated at 2pm on a Sunday but…

Every so often I buy a copy of the Weekly World News, which is the 21st century equivalent of the Dukes of Hazard. Just like the Dukes of Hazards TV show at it’s peak, no one owned up to watching but somehow it was a top ten show each week, few people admit to reading Weekly World News. Yet despite this obvious handicap it manages to eke out highest circulation of any weekly magazine. Man, I love America!

So for those of you who don’t read it *cough* I’ll share a “story” from the March 29th, 2004 issue.

In a recent and shocking development, new photos in the WWN show that Marilyn Monroe was a vampire. Yes a vampire! But wait there’s more! Not only was Marilyn a vampire, J. Edgar Hoover ordered her killed to protect John F. Kennedy from being bitten.

But wait! There’s even more! Marilyn Monroe was only one of a number of Hollywood vampires. Also named are James Dean, Rock Hudson, Marlene Dietrich and Greta Garbo.

One great thing about the libel laws in this country, once you die, the facts cease to matter. Come on now, Marilyn a vampire? Granted she sucked, but I’m pretty sure she left the blood inside the organ. Of course, we’d have to summon the spirit of JFK to be sure.

En route to the post office the other day I had a run in with a vagranty type individual. I could be wrong on that, but between the vapor trails oozing of his body and the garbage hanging off his clothes were a good clue that this guy was a professional bum. At the very least he was a master understudy to the part.

Perhaps you do not live near a large metropolitan area and have never experienced the wonders of bums and bum interactions. My first bum run in was in Southern California. Over the years, a host of bum moments followed in places like Washington DC, NYC, New Orleans and Geneva, Switzerland. After moving to New Jersey, I discovered that outside of NYC, New Jersey has the most belligerent bums I’ve come across yet. Switzerland has the best behaved, in fact their one bum is very gracious.

But New Jersey bums? Fuggeaboutit. Even the women bums are vicious.

So I’m trying not to breathe and the bum says hi.

bum: Gimme a quarter!
sam: No.
bum ( explodes into a long string of obscenities and threats )
sam: That’s not a very convincing sales strategy.
bum ( more expletives )

Afterwards I mentioned this exchange to my father in law. He used to commute to NYC and he mentioned that he had the perfect thing to say to them. Here was his suggestion…

bum: Gimme a quarter!
father-in-law: Not today my friend.

I’ve tried his tactic now twice, and it’s worked like a charm. So if you’re in NYC or NJ and a bum wants money, remember – “not today my friend”. It’s the same as no, only better.

Fifteen years ago George Carlin did a comedy special for HBO What am I doing in New Jersey? I had no idea that someday the same question would be staring me in the face. New Jersey has a bad reputation in the press as this tough talking, backstabbing, mother-raping kinda state. And that’s the treatment you get from your family. People who you don’t know? Fuggeaboutit.

Does NJ deserve such a black sheep reputation? I’ve had about eleven years off and on to ponder this sensitive matter. What follows in scenario to illustrate the difference between NJ and Kansas, another state I used to live in.

The scenario is a lone man walking to the convenience store along a busy road. A car full of lost tourists pull alongside the lone man.

In Kansas
Tourist: Hi, we’re lost. How can we find our way back to the I-435?
lone man: Hi! Isn’t this great weather we’re having? I-435 ? No problem all you have to turn right at Metlars lane, go about 1.8 miles and then bear right. You can’t miss it.
Tourist: Oh thanks so much. You have a nice day now.
lone man: Golly gee, you too! Enjoy your vacation. Drive careful for the little ones.

Now the same scene in NJ
Tourist: How do we get to the Turnpike?
The lone man continues walking.
Tourist: Excuse me, where’s the Turnpike?
Slowly the lone man turns his head, still avoiding eye contact. He does not stop, instead forcing the car to continue forward at 3 mph.
lone man: What do I look like a welcome committee?
Tourist: Sorry to trouble you officer.
lone man: So don’t.

I’m driving along yesterday and since this is New Jersey, I make it roughly 29 feet into the journey before someone cut me off. It’s a residential area, which in NJ means the speed limit is optional so feel free to drive like you’re on the Turnpike. No problem really, because I got power everything.

When I hit the brakes, I also lean on my old friend “beep” the horn, so I can let the other driver know how much I care about them. Nothing severe just a little tap. But when I jam on the horn there’s no comforting beep.

I got no beep! This is a great tragedy.

Beep and I go way back, way back to November 2000 when it came into my life. It was the first thing I tried on the test drive. That horn was always there for me. Whenever someone cut me off, beep let them know. When the guy fell asleep in front of me at the stop light reading the paper, beep was there. When the woman ahead wouldn’t stop fixing her lipstick and talking on the cell phone, beep was there too. When the Lexus can’t seem to stay in it’s lane, beep sent a stern reminder that the dotted white lanes are for driving in between, not over or on top of.

I wrote a song for my mechanic Jake, who assures me that my horn will rise again.

Bring back that beeping feeling.
Bring back that beeping feeling cause now its gone, gone. gone…