My routine calls for lots of sleep on the weekends. Now let’s say it’s Sunday and I’m exhausted. Is it possible to get a refund on the weekend? Can I Tivo the whole weekend backwards, and skip the sleepless part? Can I return the weekend somewhere for an exchange? Can I trade my exhaustion for loads of energy?

If anyone knows a natural cure for insomnia I request that you share. The usual cures have failed me; herbal teas, warm milk, exercise, booze etc.

If it’s legal, doesn’t involve anything over the counter and puts you to sleep consistently, I want to hear about it. It may not contain or involve alcohol, PPA or any acronym that sounds unhealthy. Vitamins and organic fruits need not apply. Also, the remedy must not be habit forming, addictive or turn me into a vegetable or an African sparrow. I don’t want to grow anything, process anything, or purchase anything processed or grown.

If you got something that fits all those criteria, please drop me an email via the contact page.

Hopefully, I’ll sleep tonight and Monday’s blog will be cool. If it sucks, hey, you’ll know why…

This important discovery just in! Drinking protein powder shakes after 11pm is dangerous. Right about now, I feel like something is going to break, or rupture. Or worse. The powder and milk have congealed to form some kind of bitter sludge, which itself produces a second and most dastardly effect, namely an aftertaste that won’t quit.

I’ve brushed my teeth twice, still the wretched taste runs wild and free in my mouth. Why did I not listen to the wife and buy some Pepicid AC? Nope, I had to be a big shot and eat a grease ladden dinner and then wash it all down with lots of dairy.

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BEEP. CUT TO COLOR BARS….

This is a test of the Emergency Blog System. Had this been a real emergency you’d have heard me screaming and crying like a little girl. This is only a test.

It’s been ten years since Kurt Cobain killed himself. Actually I missed the anniversary yesterday.

The unfortunate event seemed like a big deal at the time, but right about now it seems like a minor footnote to the whole grunge era. Speaking of grunge have you seen or heard any grunge music lately? Probably not. Any kids saying they want to be Kurt Cobain these days? That I can’t answer, but my bet is no.

The only thing I ever see when thinking about Kurt is his widow Courtney Love. Consider her recent court appearance ( with slight paraphrasing for entertainment purposes ).

Judge: How do you plead to these charges?
Courtney: My attorney is fired!
Judge: On what grounds?
Courtney: His tie is ugly. He must die! This court is a sham!
Judge: You’re not doing yourself any favors.
Courtney: Attorney rehired!
Judge: Are those needle tracks on your arms?
Courtney: Just some mosquito bites.
Judge: Mosquito bites in March?
Courtney: What can I say judge? Everyone’s looking for a little fix.
Judge: What is that you’re eating?
Courtney: Tic-tacs.
Judge: That looks like phenobarbital from here.
Courtney: I didn’t bring enough to share if that’s what you’re asking.

My new credo is to set a timer whenever I boil eggs on the stove. This morning, my eggs had been over the flame for awhile, but not too long ( or so I thought ). A loud crack pierced through the air suddenly, reminding me of my forgotten breakfast project. Uh oh.

Racing to the kitchen, the cracking turned out to be one of the eggs rupturing as it writhed inside an empty pot over a scalding hot flame. It just snapped and went postal inside there. The egg is now a pinnata. I’m happy to report the pot will survive and though it has some not so nice char marks on it, with any luck I’ll sort that out before the wife gets home. Oh, is the wife reading this? Everything is great, honey! Nothing is broken!

Speaking of eggs, here’s another tip. Let’s just say you have some well cooked hard boiled eggs sitting in the refrigerator awaiting future consumption. After peeling the shell and taking a bite, perhaps it might seem like a good idea to warm this stone cold egg. After all, mom always said don’t eat cold food unless it’s a vegetable right?

Please be warned. The microwave is no place to reheat a hardboiled egg, unless you want egg confetti.