I nearly broke my hand this morning trying to use the toilet, leaving me with just one question. Could not karma wait to deliver such life reaffirming events until after a second cup of coffee? To me this seems a reasonable and just request – but alas the answer was no in this case, for today the gods of karma marched to a more malevolent agenda.

Even before this particular disaster, my hate-hate relationship with the bathroom was legendary. First there was my dislike for the many potential risks: slipping in the shower, toothpaste in eye, death by electric shaver. Second, and perhaps it’s the Y chromosone driving here, but my bathroom tactics always resembled NASCAR pit stops: get in, get out and keep your hands to yourself.

But back to the nearly broken hand. While tending to number 1 this morning, a fly buzzed my head and landed in the window sill – a typical sight during the long, hot summer months. Suddenly there was a tremendous pressure on my first finger. Glancing downwards, I discovered a yellow jacket checking out the real estate.

Self preservation impelled me to slap my own hand with tremendous and precise force. My finger, which absorbed the brunt of my rage and 2 stings, swelled immediately.

Maybe karma was on vacation, but Darwin was at work here. The yellow jacket laid on the tile floor; his body severed in 2 pieces. For the first time in my life I watched an insect writhe in pain until it died – a most satisfying and excruciating death.

Flushing never felt so good.

Every time it looks like New Jersey politics have sunken to the absolute pits of human behavior, it turns out that the sinkhole is far deeper than anyone imagined.

In a shocking move, the governor of New Jersey, James McGreevey resigned yesterday. During the press conference the governor announced that he was a gay American. This was a bombshell to the 10th degree. Before that I never thought of him as gay or an American, just one perpetually pissed off dude with duck lips.

But what an American, even an American who is politically enabled does in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. Provided everyone involved is a consenting adult, and no local ordinances or dishes were broken, the public can live without the details. Even then we can deal with just the minimum amount of information. Like what color were the broken dishes? Were they on sale?

Citing the potential damage that the allegations surrounding the affair might cause his family and his ability to govern he decided to resign, effective November 15th. The fact that his administration has been mired from day one with accusations of corruption, cronyism or ties with organized crime did not factor into his resignation. This leads me to a startling conclusion.

Apparently being a gay American is far worse to the New Jersey electorate than being a toady for the Mob. By the way, if anyone from La Cosa Nostra is reading this, I love the Mafia. Keep up the good work, guys. I’m in your corner all the way.

Why not resign immediately? If McGreevey resigns before November 15th then a pesky little thing called an election must be held. Believe it or not, in this most foul year of our Lord 2004, New Jersey is seen by pundits as a swing state; one that could go either Republican or Democrat in the November presidential race.

And why shouldn’t New Jersey be a swing state? Heck, our own governor took 47 years to make up his mind about his sexual identity. Are we in New Jersey any less ambivalent about our feelings as voters?

To those of you who see this as yet another step towards anarchy and the decline of Western Civilization, I say this: Welcome to Jersey, gombah. We’re already in hell, and we liked the bus ride here just fine, thank you.

I’m all into decaffeinated coffee these days. To a barrista though, the phrase “decaf please” seems to pass straight through their ears, much like yelling for water in the middle of a desert.

Anyway here’s a trick to make sure you get decaf. If you’re so inclined.

sam: I’d like a decaf Iced Latte Mocha decaf.
Barrista: What size?
sam: Medium decaf.
Barrista: You want sugar?
sam: Just decaf.
Barrista: Whipped cream?
sam: Decaf please.

Barrista begins preparing beverage, pausing after 30 seconds.

Barrista: Sir, you wanted decaf right?

In the In just 2 weeks I’ve punched through the gray area marked by occasional indulgence on one side; full fledged addiction on the other. Denial at this point is futile. The monkey is on my back. Even worse, the little weasel has my cell number.

My drug of choice? Iced Decaf Mocha Swirl Latte. Hold the whipped cream and the sugar, please. Thank you Mr. Coffee Huckster, I will come again.

The best place to purchase this drink is from the franchise that once sold doughnuts with little handles. Since they stopped selling the doughnuts that bear the title of the company I refuse to utter their name in public. All grievances aside, the Iced Lattes are good. Real good.

Try one today. And remember the Iced Latte Support Group meets every Wednesday night. I’ll see you there…