Time for funny 2004 Halloween stories via my mother. Thanks mom! Hey, where’s my candy?

College student appears at the door wearing a Kohl’s shopping bag with holes cut out for his head and arms.

Mom: What are you supposed to be?
College Student: Heh. I’m white trash. Get it?

Later: two high school students appear, a boy and a girl. The boy carries a pillowcase, the girl does not. Mom hands them candy. Clutching the booty, the girl jams Kit Kats into her cargo pants.

Mom ( to the girl ): Aren’t you going to run out of room for candy in your pockets?
Boy: There’s plenty of room in there. I should know. They’re my pants.

New this year, proxy trick or treating. This requires one child from a large group to ring the bell. The horde remains at the sidewalk, while the loner demands candy for the group. Mom’s response – “They want candy? Then they walk to the door. This is Halloween, not Domino’s.”

They say thirty one is too old for trick or treating. Then again they also say you’re only as old as you think you are. Now in that spirit, let’s just say someone roughly that age decides that soliciting candy or other tax free donations is a nifty idea. A person of such ilk has a very special need for a costume. Otherwise said trick or trick treater will stick out from the curb.

Here’s some things I, er…someone my age, could dress up as for Halloween:

1) An IRS agent. Already have the cheap brief case, starch shirts and calculator. Audit time, baby!
2) A judge from traffic court – gavels are cheap and I stole, that is neglected to return my graduation gown.
3) A parent collecting candy in proxy for a child. Do you really know your neighbors? Well, a dark and stormy night is no time for introductions that might warp fragile minds. Dad or Mom should take the risk and reap the bounty instead.
4) A cult member. There’s no easier moment to recruit for INSERT CULT of CHOICE HERE than when the whole family expects someone else.
5) A librarian. It’s a good opportunity to demand all occupants return overdue books, particularly ones they never checked out.

I’m leaning strongly towards number three, that is if I did consider trick or treating acceptable for someone my age.

Being part English has a few advantages. Mostly, it sounds cool when speaking the phrase very quickly without dwelling on the ramifications. For instance, a major disadvantage is the matter of dental health. Somewhere between twelve and twenty years the enamel enters retirement. Once that happens, it’s a blurry nightmare of cavities, fillings, and stern warnings from the dentist.

This Thursday however, stands as my all time best and worst appointment.

Sam ( sits in chair ): OK, let’s do this.
Dentist ( raises drill ) : Hold still please.
Sam: Doesn’t the Novocaine work better before we start?
Dentist ( inserts drill in mouth ): This will feel a like a cold pressure. Don’t move.
Sam: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZ
Dentist ( reinserts drill ): OK, almost done.
Sam: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZ
Dentist: There we go. OK and now the filling..

Fifteen seconds later, the terror ends.

A harrowing, yet merciful and short dentist experience.

Mel Brooks once said something like – “tragedy is when I prick my finger, comedy is when you fall into a ditch.” Now imagine a massive on line catalog of said mishaps. Well it’s here. Check out Darwin Awards.

Their charter – “The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. Harsh? A bit. Funny? Oh, hell yeah.

Thanks to Todd for sharing this one.