A terrible tragedy unfolded today, one that requires immediate legislative intervention. For once it doesn’t involve me dropping a case Newcastle Brown Ale on my foot.
Yes, this meance far exceeds my klutziness and inability to walk a straight line while sober.
In Valley Stream, NY, a 3 year old boy died during a matinee showing of Alien Vs. Predator. The cause of death: choking on popcorn.
Forget why a 3 year old was in a PG-13 movie with violent content and adult situations when there’s a dearth of babysitters available during the summer months. Never mind that no refund was issued. Instead, consider the true evil, an evil that lurks behind the counter at every multiplex in this country. Contrary to dogma spewed by corporate robber barons, it’s more than an innocent snack, it’s a dangerous substance. A child was exposed to this substance, one provided by a profiteering movie theater to his unsuspecting parents, with no questions asked. And as a result, that child died.
We must do something to save the children and stop this unchecked lust for blood profits. To prevent further deaths by popcorn at movie theaters, I propose a 7 day waiting period on the purchase and sale. During this waiting period, thorough background checks may be run on the purchaser. Should an applicant be found to be unfit, the clerk will have legal means to refuse the sale. Training and certifications on the proper methods of handling and transportation the substance will be strongly encouraged.
Please help us save the children from the evils of a profiteering industry.
And remember, no matter what the death merchants claim, dangerous substance + child = death.