In the course of the Atkins diet, I craft a number of food substitutions, replacing high carb foods with low carbohydrate equivalents. One of my favorites substitutes for mashed potatoes, a little dish named mashed cauliflower. The recipe is as the title sounds. Blend two cups of cooked cauliflower and two tablespoons of heavy cream, and onward to low carb goodness.

Only on my first attempt, there was a slight mishap. I hit the button and…nothing happened.

Now imagine the horror when the cauliflower holds it’s given form, despite the razor blades grinding. And then imagine when the chef loses his patience and uses a plastic spoon to push the cauliflower closer to the blades.

After the cauliflower spackled the ceiling, walls, and my face, the Wife appeared. “Next time try the food processor attachment.”

“Oh.” At last the root of my failure became clear. “So the food processor button on the blender won’t work.”