I’m all into decaffeinated coffee these days. To a barrista though, the phrase “decaf please” seems to pass straight through their ears, much like yelling for water in the middle of a desert.

Anyway here’s a trick to make sure you get decaf. If you’re so inclined.

sam: I’d like a decaf Iced Latte Mocha decaf.
Barrista: What size?
sam: Medium decaf.
Barrista: You want sugar?
sam: Just decaf.
Barrista: Whipped cream?
sam: Decaf please.

Barrista begins preparing beverage, pausing after 30 seconds.

Barrista: Sir, you wanted decaf right?

In the In just 2 weeks I’ve punched through the gray area marked by occasional indulgence on one side; full fledged addiction on the other. Denial at this point is futile. The monkey is on my back. Even worse, the little weasel has my cell number.

My drug of choice? Iced Decaf Mocha Swirl Latte. Hold the whipped cream and the sugar, please. Thank you Mr. Coffee Huckster, I will come again.

The best place to purchase this drink is from the franchise that once sold doughnuts with little handles. Since they stopped selling the doughnuts that bear the title of the company I refuse to utter their name in public. All grievances aside, the Iced Lattes are good. Real good.

Try one today. And remember the Iced Latte Support Group meets every Wednesday night. I’ll see you there…

Dear Buddhapuss,

Ok here goes, why at the beginning of the Superman TV show (the old one with George Reeves) when the bad guys are shooting at him he stands there and lets the bullets bounce off his chest, but when they run out of bullets and throw the gun, he ducks??

Spacedoubt

Dear Spacedoubt,

Ah, this obscure but very relevant question is also one I have often pondered myself before bringing on the Zen.

Reviewing the Tivo playback many times revealed the answer. George wasn’t ducking for fear of the empty and discarded guns, but rather fear that Announcer Bill Kennedy would say something like “Look! Up in the Sky! It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s Superman wearing a cheesy cape!” at the wrong moment and cause him to miss his mark and have to redo the scene again. And that meant another hour in those tights.

Well then what about the intro where he stood impervious to the blazing hail of bullets you ask? Again Tivo to the rescue. They only needed to film that sequence once and Bill Kennedy was not allowed on the set that day.

There may be parallels between the unnecessary ducking on the TV show and his actual death from gunshot wounds years later, but not at my paws. Idle rumor and unsubstantiated speculation have no place in this advice column.

Yours in pats,
Buddhapuss

With the heavy rain outside, the sound of the water against the glass remind me of a cross between the end of the world and the beginning of political convention season. Just like peanut M&Ms, the two inclement events are the same foul flavor and consistency; cheap chocolate and soggy. Ah yes, there’s a ruckus brewing out there and I hope it stays the hell back.

Reading the last few lines reminds me of an old Peanuts cartoon, “It was a dark and stormy night…” Did Snoopy ever write a second line to his magnum opus or was it all an homage to the “all work and no play make jack a dull boy” in the Shining?

Speaking of interesting missives, there was an Ask Buddhapuss slated for today. Tragically, Master Buddhapuss slept the entire morning and afternoon on my favorite reading chair, suffocating my last pair of clean denim jeans. I was able to rouse him, but only long enough for dinner. The jeans were a wreck. There’s no hope for them in this life or the next.

After dinner the cat wanted none of this blogging business. My apologies.

Lucky for us, the CIA just couldn’t leave Jason Bourne alone.

This new tour de force thriller starring Matt Damon as an ex-CIA assassin with amnesia adheres to the plot of the brilliant book by Robert Ludlum almost point for point. If you’re looking for a sample of what you’re going to get check out the plot synopsis at amazon.com.

I loved every second. Here’s some key selling points:

1) Trumps the car chases in Bourne Identity.

2) Chock full of quotable lines.

3) Relentless and intriguing narrative.

4) Meaningful conflict between the secondary protagonists.

5) We learn more about the complex inner struggle scraping at Jason Bourne.

6) Matt Damon IS Jason Bourne.

See this movie in the theaters. It’s worth a full price adult ticket.

I’ve decided that for now Sundays will be rest days. Thus the title Sunday Blogless Sunday.

After staring at a screen for 14 hours a day 6 days a week, my eyes need a break. Sunday also draws the least number of hits. I’ll take that as a sign from the cosmos to seek respite.

Caught Bourne Supremacy over the weekend and loved it. The review will up by Tuesday night. And now I’m off to revise the day’s pages.

Fathers pass down very few essential rules from life’s operation manual to their sons. When hungry, eat. When thirsty, drink. When boredom strikes, reach for a book/TV remote/Gameboy. And the most important one, never let your mother know.

The essence of man to man relationships is well, primitive, basic and somehow for the sum of recorded history has only resulted in 1 large scale military conflict every 7 years.

But that’s men to men. Women to women? Little secret here guys:
1. We will never understand the complexities of the female to female dynamic.
2. Reread rule 1.
3. You still don’t get it.

This argument boils down to a unique characteristic of the female sex which I hereby dub love and hate.

Women can love and hate another female/male/hairstyle/puppy dog/book at the same time. A woman can lust for her husband’s death for not wiping the sink down after shaving just as she yearns for him to return home early from a business trip. And most incredibly, she can feel and express both emotions with equal intensity!

Men can not do this. This I know to be true.

My father’s calling me now. Something about losing the remote control in the couch…