En route to the post office the other day I had a run in with a vagranty type individual. I could be wrong on that, but between the vapor trails oozing of his body and the garbage hanging off his clothes were a good clue that this guy was a professional bum. At the very least he was a master understudy to the part.

Perhaps you do not live near a large metropolitan area and have never experienced the wonders of bums and bum interactions. My first bum run in was in Southern California. Over the years, a host of bum moments followed in places like Washington DC, NYC, New Orleans and Geneva, Switzerland. After moving to New Jersey, I discovered that outside of NYC, New Jersey has the most belligerent bums I’ve come across yet. Switzerland has the best behaved, in fact their one bum is very gracious.

But New Jersey bums? Fuggeaboutit. Even the women bums are vicious.

So I’m trying not to breathe and the bum says hi.

bum: Gimme a quarter!
sam: No.
bum ( explodes into a long string of obscenities and threats )
sam: That’s not a very convincing sales strategy.
bum ( more expletives )

Afterwards I mentioned this exchange to my father in law. He used to commute to NYC and he mentioned that he had the perfect thing to say to them. Here was his suggestion…

bum: Gimme a quarter!
father-in-law: Not today my friend.

I’ve tried his tactic now twice, and it’s worked like a charm. So if you’re in NYC or NJ and a bum wants money, remember – “not today my friend”. It’s the same as no, only better.