Dear Buddhapuss,

Just found this on-line, can’t remember where, but I’d like your comment. I don’t mean to stir up the whole cat vs. dog debate but your opinion is important to me.

EXCERPT FROM A DOG’S DIARY
8:00 a.m. Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m. Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY
Day 183 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

Regards,
Panicked in Belle Meade

My dear old friend Panicked,

I love repeaters. Obvious to most, there are several differences between dogs and cats. They are very different animals by design, and play vastly different roles in a household.

Dogs generally occupy a subservient role in the family. Are they weaker? Not necessarily. Not even a wu shu master like myself would call a Doberman weak. They are however, easily amused. For instance, dogs might dig holes in the yard. A cat would rather not sully their paws with such unpleasant business. I tell you what’s in the ground there , Fido. It’s called dirt and you’ve just soiled yourself.

Another key difference between dogs and cats are the levels of attention they demand from their owners. Dogs, and puppies in particular, require loads of attention. But during a typical day a cat only needs a soft perch and some food; at night perhaps a few neck rubs and your pillow. Simple, no?

As far as this particular cat, based on his diary I’d say he chose the wrong owners, hence the psycho entries. It’s important that a cat select the right household. Not all owners are up to the task of cat ownership. The dog on the other hand, will be happy anywhere, including staring at his reflection in a sliding glass door.

2005 The Year of the Buddhapuss,
Master Buddhapuss

Dear Buddhapuss,

I know very well that you’re no ordinary feline, but I come to ask you advice for dealing with my feline house mate, Joey. She has invaded my sleep and working quarters and prefers to sleep there throughout the day than in her own. Is there anything I can do to persuade her that my room is not her space? I strongly believe cats are the masters of the house; however, she seems to have abandoned her own area, which is quite a shame.

Thank you for your time, Buddhapuss Michael

Dear Michael,

At last, at last, an intelligent question at long last. But first a query right back at you, Michael. Joey is an unusual name for a female, no? Perhaps the gender ambiguous name reflects a pattern of mixed messages in the household.

For instance, your cat has a room, a room you once claimed as yours, yet you do not want her to sleep on the comfortable bed within her room? That may be asking a bit much of Joey. Even though the primal instincts still flow, she’s not a savage beast. Her thought process is quite advanced. Consider the scenario as Joey for a moment.

In her mind, she’s the leader of a pride and all the other house mates are members of an elite group. For her to sleep on the bed that you say is yours is a sign of respect. She has chosen this berth over all the others in the home as a base of operations, and invited just one lucky member – yourself – to join in the cat pile.

If you would prefer to shun this token of respect and reclaim “your” bed, there are several options.
1) Spray her pillowcase, sheets, bed frame and mattress with lemon scent. The acid scent may repel Joey. For this to work it will take a lot of scent. Not recommended.
2) Keep a small squirt bottle of water ( just water ) on the nightstand. Each time she crawls into bed, blast her body with some H20. Actual results depend on the breed. If she is a Maine Coon or Norwegian Forest Cat, bedtime is now a game and the mattress is even more appealing. Possibly recommended ( depends on breed ).
3) Trade Joey in for a dog. Strongly, strongly NOT recommended.
4) Accept that the bed is big enough for two. This is the Zen way and highly recommended.

You see Michael, there may be several options, but obviously only number four makes sense.

2005 The Year of the Buddhapuss,
Master Buddhapuss

Buddhapuss,

would you be making a diet anytime soon? it seems like you need it.. sorry for the bad english…, i am from chile

Dear I am from Chile,

Your English, broken as it may be, is not a problem. Questions to me hail from every corner of the globe. However, your insolence is not so easily excused. Rather than dwell on the negative, I’ll reframe your question and translate where necessary.

Before that though, a current picture of the mighty me for those new to this column.

Now the translation.

I am from Chile said: Would you be making a diet anytime soon?
Buddhapuss heard: Have you been lifting weights again? Damn, your biceps are looking jacked!

I am from Chile said: It seems like you need it.
Buddhapuss heard: Bet the chicks can’t stop patting you.

I am from Chile said: Sorry for the bad English.
Buddhapuss heard: I envy you oh great black furry one. I am jealous of not only your stunning looks and large frame, but your wisdom and command of the English language. Please take me as your next apprentice.

That’s how we Zen Masters kick it, I am from Chile. We deflect negative energy by redirection. I regret to inform you you will not be my next apprentice. But thanks for writing in. Enjoy your weekend.

2005 The Year of the Buddhapuss,
Master Buddhapuss

Dear Master BP,

If your life was a roller coaster, how would you describe it?

Unsigned

Dear Unsigned,

Surely one of your parents bequeathed you a name, no? In case the lack of a signature reflects their negligence and not of your timidity, I hereby dub you Vertigo. Ah, that feels so much better.

Now on to your question, Vertigo. The question is a bit loaded for the comparison presumes my life is, or resembles, a roller coaster. My life is tranquil, filled with meditation, love and sushi pizza. At least until Sam hides the credit cards and reprograms the speed dial codes on the phone. Honestly, how does he expect me to dial quickly with claws?

My predicament is not meant to belittle your question. Yes, life can be roller coaster. Before Zen my life was a series of manic highs and gut wrenching lows. I never knew which end was up, and always feared what might be around the next turn. Just when a calm period under seemed at hand, life threw me a loop. So if my life resembled the above, that is how I would describe it.

Zen is about balance. I sense you may be out of balance, Vertigo. My first clue is your name. Consider changing that to something that implies deep serenity, like Skippy or Bismarck.

2005 The Year of the Buddhapuss
Master Buddhapuss

Hey Master Buddhapuss,

What do you do when you want to cut loose?

Party Girl

Dear Party Girl,

I just call 867-5309. When did you change your number?

A life in Zen is a life less stressed. The devout practitioner rarely succumbs to hedonistic releases like sex, drugs and rock and roll. However, such pursuits have their time and place. That time and place is when Sam is out of the house. Here’s a snippet of a recent 911 call from a neighbor.

911: 911 how can I help?
Neighbor: Yeah, I’m XXXXX at XXXX XXXX on XXXXX. I need the police right away.
911: What is the nature of the problem?
Neighbor: There’s a party upstairs, an unbelievable noise. Meowing and howling all night.
911: I hear the music. Sir, did you ask your neighbor to turn down the volume?
Neighbor: What? Say again? Someone’s at the door. ( in background ) Hell no - I didn’t order 25 sushi pizzas! Take these back!
911: Is everything all right?
Neighbor: I went upstairs. It was wall to wall pussy.
911: There’s a party with strippers upstairs?
Neighbor: What is taking you people so long?
911: I’ve dispatched the police. No need to confront your neighbor again.

Sixty minutes later….

911: 911 how can I help?
Neighbor: Yeah, I called before. Where’s the cops?
911: I show they’ve arrived…and indicated there was no issue at that address.
Neighbor: No issue? It’s like World War III upstairs.
911: Sir, please try and relax.
Neighbor: Oh my god! Someone’s delivering another stack of pizzas upstairs. And the cops! I see them in there. Talking to that no good black hairy pussy.
911: One more outburst and I’ll disconnect. We don’t tolerate such sexist talk.
Neighbor: But it’s a nonstop ruckus! And now the cops are in on it.
911: The issue shows as closed. Thank you for calling 911.

So Party Girl, what can I say? Nobody is perfect

2005 The Year of the Buddhapuss
Master Buddhapuss

Dear Great One! I recently read the Rainbow Bridge poem, after losing a loved one (4 legs) I want to believe that the Rainbow Bridge is true. Can you share your enlightenment on pet heaven, because if it was up to the Pope, no pets allowed. -Looking for a sign in Belle Mead

Dear Signs,

It is true, I am great. Signs, I’m very sorry to hear of your recent loss. Next to changing jobs and public speaking, the death of a loved one is the most stressful event one faces.

Now as for the Rainbow Bridge, those not on the down low, it is a poem that describes what becomes of pets after death. Intended as an aid to those grieving the recent loss of a furry friend, in recent years organizations, some less than honorable organizations, have co-opted the work for fund solicitations. Many people read the poem, weep, and open their checkbooks.

To your question, what do I think about pet heaven. Zen does not subscribe a heaven or hell per se, but a collective energy. In passing from this plane one’s energy joins a larger group. We also know from physics that energy can neither be destroyed nor created, it simply is. Therefore, both Zen and physics make excellent points for the Rainbow Bridge. Although you didn’t ask what the actual bridge looks like, I offer this teaching: the bridge is whatever those crossing it need it to be.

This is unprecedented, but I am not certain where pets fit into Judeo-Christian teachings about the afterlife. Therefore I cannot comment on the Pope. In my case, I plead that I am a Zen Master, not a Christian theologian. Never again shall I be caught with my collar down.

2005 The Year of the Buddhapuss,
Master Buddhapuss

Dear Buddhapuss, I have a question about facial hair. Do you feel that an adult human male is more attractive to the opposite sex with or without facial hair? If so, what type and why? Thank you, Antihero

Dear Antihero,

Regardless of gender, facial hair is a question every Zen Master considers. For instance, my female apprentice Electra is evaluating a possible total body crew cut in preparation for the summer months. As such, I have meditated upon this matter prior to your letter, which means your question is both important and timely.

Are guys with facial hair more appealing to women? Come here, Antihero. Come here and learn. The first rule of attraction is to understand that each woman is a unique and special snowflake. No two are alike. Some are fragile. Some glow in the light. Some are sturdy. Some are medium. Some are fluffy. Some are yellow. Drats! Who let the dog out?

Antihero, you must convince that snowflake that you are the most qualified to hold her without melting; that no mittens besides yours will feel right. Now just as each snowflake differs, so to does a woman’s personal preference. Many women find facial hair on men attractive. But not all. Before you grow a mustache or shave off your goatee, you must know yourself. If you’re at ease with your body and mind, the female species will sense it. Confidence is the rising tiding that lifts all boats.

2005 The Year of the Buddhapuss,
Master Buddhapuss