More notes from the weekend: library sales attract ugly book trolls, usually older men who resell their purchases on the Internet. Certainly, this excludes me. I’m at least average looking.

Book trolls are ugly not by classic definitions – many appear quite normal during the week. Theirs is a wretchedness that lingers beneath the skin – always waiting, always vigilant – and when the sale opens, out goes Grandpa and in rushes Darth Vader. Do not be fooled by the balding, overweight and unwashed exteriors. These are men who demand free samples of Girl Scout cookies then laugh at the poor girl who refuses.

Just how bad can retired guys at a friends of the library book sale behave? A peek at their canon reveals much about the species.

Troll rule number one: shop alone. Whether this is because the trolls have eaten all their friends or prefer hoarding books over sharing with another of their ilk, the song is the same. Trolls roll solo. On the surface, this appears harmless. It is an illusion.

Add in rule number two – stack all finds in boxes near tables where people are browsing available books – and the evil becomes clearer. Besides shrinking the aisle space, regular shoppers often think the boxes hold books still available for purchase.

The oversight predicates a favorite troll activity, and rings in the third, deadly rule: when others touch your boxes, explode. Yell at them like a drunk scolds a dog. A simple explanation in a quiet voice does not make the point. Be senseless. Be loud. Be cruel. The shopper must be humiliated, for all to see and hear.

You might ask yourself, how can I work a library sale without turning into a book troll? Like the trolls have rules, a conscientious seller must as well. Three points provide a solid foundation.

1) Shower the morning of the sale and wear clean, stain free clothes. This says to the world, world I sleep in a bed, not upon a stack of moldy books.
2) Bring along a friend. A cohort can guard your book fort in a remote corner. When you finish, guard your own books and let them shop a bit. Be proud you have a book buddy. Their presence says to everyone, hey, I don’t eat my friends. At least one survived.
3) Identify the book trolls early on in the sale, and their stashes. Carve a wide arc around both. After all, they are hostile and smelly.

“I need one more great movie role so they say, `Wow, she can act! She’s a great actress.’ Then I think they’ll leave me alone.” – Tara Reid.

There is no satisfaction for celebrities anymore. If the media showers them with attention, celebs yell ‘stalker’. If their Q factor slips, it’s a conspiracy. When there is a conspiracy against them, they appear on Geraldo.

Hey Tara, America has left you alone already. Please return the favor.

NOTE: I know this could be funnier. It was a long weekend.