If anyone savors an explosion more than Americans, and one only need read the line in the national anthem that betrays our preoccupation with things blowing up – and the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air – it’s the Germans. But this time they’ve gone way too far. Now their toads are exploding!

To quote the Berlin AP – “Hundreds of toads have met a bizarre and sinister end in Germany in recent days, it was reported: they exploded.” This situation is so bad that experts have labeled a lake in Hamburg as “the pond of death.”

And the cause seems even more sinister than the end result. According to Otto Horst, a veterinarian, “I have never seen such a thing,” Which is German for – we have no idea why the hell this is happening. That goes double for me Otto. I don’t want to watch a toad burst. Unlike you Otto, I have a theory.

Look Germany – first you lead the Western world in unemployment (13.5%) and now your toads are exploding. Amphibians are the most sensitive to pollution and the first to feel the effects. It’s not a reach to assume that there are contaminants in that lake. Instead of dispatching biologists to watch the toads blow up at 2 AM every night – collect some batrachians who haven’t exploded and conduct autopsies. Sage advice. Unless all the doctors, chemists and pathologists are on the dole.

People of Germany, I’m here to help, not hurt.