Buddhapuss,

would you be making a diet anytime soon? it seems like you need it.. sorry for the bad english…, i am from chile

Dear I am from Chile,

Your English, broken as it may be, is not a problem. Questions to me hail from every corner of the globe. However, your insolence is not so easily excused. Rather than dwell on the negative, I’ll reframe your question and translate where necessary.

Before that though, a current picture of the mighty me for those new to this column.

Now the translation.

I am from Chile said: Would you be making a diet anytime soon?
Buddhapuss heard: Have you been lifting weights again? Damn, your biceps are looking jacked!

I am from Chile said: It seems like you need it.
Buddhapuss heard: Bet the chicks can’t stop patting you.

I am from Chile said: Sorry for the bad English.
Buddhapuss heard: I envy you oh great black furry one. I am jealous of not only your stunning looks and large frame, but your wisdom and command of the English language. Please take me as your next apprentice.

That’s how we Zen Masters kick it, I am from Chile. We deflect negative energy by redirection. I regret to inform you you will not be my next apprentice. But thanks for writing in. Enjoy your weekend.

2005 The Year of the Buddhapuss,
Master Buddhapuss

It was the worst program on television, yet it never disappointed. With acting unfit for a hooker, stories so contrived a monkey could write the ending, and a special effects budget equal to the average per capita income of Venezuela, the show was everything that was foul and indecent about the idiot box. God, I loved it. And now this same show may/may move to the big screen. What gem exactly you ask? That’s right - THE LAND OF THE LOST!

For those with better taste than myself, the premise was simple. Rick Marshall, a forest ranger, and his niece and nephew – Will and Holly - went a rafting. They hit a mighty run of rapids and woke up in Jurassic Park. They spent the next three years trying to get back to funky town. Don’t look for more plot than that. Or for great special effects.

When I say the effects were cheap, they were beyond thrifty. The sets were made of chicken wire and spray paint, and both components were visible in the finished product. But, for the primary enemies of Marshall, Will and Holly, the dinosaurs, the producers dug far deeper in the budget. They dug so deep they came up in someone else’s budget.

In fact, the dinosaurs were actually from other movies. Those on the down low will recognize the key action sequences from Japanese cinema. The producers merged stock film footage with footage of the actors running ( usually in the wrong direction ). And if the recycled dino footage wasn’t dangerous enough for our heroes, there were aliens too! Sleestaks and Cha-Ka and Enik oh my!

I hope this show really makes the leap to the big screen. The buzz says Will Ferrel may star as Rick Marshall. Good for him. A fantastically successful comedic actor could always use another 70’s TV show remake on his resume.

I drafted a nifty blog about the Land of the Lost movie but then Cingular Wireless provided with better material. Telco politics is a plague � and I’ve no interest in a Verizon/MCI/ATT/whatever long distance vs. Cingular. There’s a wireless plan for everyone, says I.

I thought I had the perfect plan. In fact, I do have the perfect plan, one that suits my business needs. The problem: I also had a second plan. A nifty two for one deal that no one mentioned even after the first bill. While enrolled in the unlimited data plan read UNLIMITED Cingular tacked a pay-per-use data charge onto my account.

Let’s just say the bill reached hundreds of dollars before I caught wind. Cingular’s web site is utterly useless and provided no meaningful breakdown about the charges, merely a total. And that’s another rant for another time.

Why in the name of all that’s holy a pay per use data charge can exist side by side with an unlimited data plan is beyond me. Customer care indicated that when they create a plan the system forbids such a configuration. Might be neat if the stores also had that same system, no?

Allegedly this glitch was adjusted and my account was credited back the difference. Let us hope. OK, rant over.

If anyone savors an explosion more than Americans, and one only need read the line in the national anthem that betrays our preoccupation with things blowing up - and the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air - it’s the Germans. But this time they’ve gone way too far. Now their toads are exploding!

To quote the Berlin AP - “Hundreds of toads have met a bizarre and sinister end in Germany in recent days, it was reported: they exploded.” This situation is so bad that experts have labeled a lake in Hamburg as “the pond of death.”

And the cause seems even more sinister than the end result. According to Otto Horst, a veterinarian, “I have never seen such a thing,” Which is German for - we have no idea why the hell this is happening. That goes double for me Otto. I don’t want to watch a toad burst. Unlike you Otto, I have a theory.

Look Germany – first you lead the Western world in unemployment (13.5%) and now your toads are exploding. Amphibians are the most sensitive to pollution and the first to feel the effects. It’s not a reach to assume that there are contaminants in that lake. Instead of dispatching biologists to watch the toads blow up at 2 AM every night – collect some batrachians who haven’t exploded and conduct autopsies. Sage advice. Unless all the doctors, chemists and pathologists are on the dole.

People of Germany, I’m here to help, not hurt.

For each enterprise the drive for expansion drives the need for a credit line, and for Buddhapuss Books, that time is now. Offers for credit arrived nearly from day one. By the four month of operation the cat had five solicitations. Not to be rushed, Master Buddhapuss researched wisely, and selected the shortest form with the least questions. It was also the only offer with the option of a black card. Since he had the dry heaves when the mail arrived that day, I handled the phone call to the bank. After the routine security questions, our discussion turned to real specifics.

Account Manager: Before I enable the card, I have to ask some questions about the business.
Sam: Hit me.
Account Manager: Do you operate a farm, commercial or private, or do you provide, sell or distribute farm equipment, or sell raw materials to farms?
Sam: Buddhapuss Books sells…um…books.
Account Manager: Would you say the gross revenue for 2004 was less than 2,000,000?
Sam: Yes.
Account Manager: OK, your card is now active. Thank you for choosing XXXXXXXXXXX.

Nearly anyone can get credit these days, eh? Excuse me, Buddhapuss just ordered sushi pizza again….

The title 196 refers to the number of days this site and server remained up and accessible without interruption. Last night the streak ended, not because of a technical issue but for security concerns, and the downtime allowed for the application of a number of patches. The total outage was less than three hours. Not too shabby. Here’s to another 196 issue free days.

Today was warehouse day, or as some in the industry say “book scouting”. In the heat of battle my nifty scanner, Treo, and price fetch application did very well. A few modifications are necessary to enhance usability, but at the end of the day – it works. Overall a good show for someone who hasn’t coded regularly for a quite some, I should think.

My goal for tomorrow: be funny and have fun.

I crawled out from under the order landslide, taxes and coding for sixteen hours stretches just in time for the Wife to leave me. She bolted, bound for Connecticut with two strange men in a van stuffed with enough provisions for days. Never fear. This journey is husband approved. In fact, I was glad she went. Her destination – a leadership seminar, the two strange men – coworkers. Truly, I am a man of the Aughties.

Work on Velocity resumes after four days of non stop Buddhapuss Book business ( gasp ). After staring at code for a few days the road home to coherence is fraught with punctuation lesson. For instance, semi-colons are not substitutes for periods. A good rule I should think, and one I understand on an instinct level. But after pouring out a few thousand lines of code where all “statements” end in semi-colons, I caught myself writing this gem:

velocity.write( true );

Clearly things are returning to normal. A new short story will appear in the next 1-2 weeks, the exact date depends on sales.