It was the worst program on television, yet it never disappointed. With acting unfit for a hooker, stories so contrived a monkey could write the ending, and a special effects budget equal to the average per capita income of Venezuela, the show was everything that was foul and indecent about the idiot box. God, I loved it. And now this same show may/may move to the big screen. What gem exactly you ask? That’s right – THE LAND OF THE LOST!

For those with better taste than myself, the premise was simple. Rick Marshall, a forest ranger, and his niece and nephew – Will and Holly – went a rafting. They hit a mighty run of rapids and woke up in Jurassic Park. They spent the next three years trying to get back to funky town. Don’t look for more plot than that. Or for great special effects.

When I say the effects were cheap, they were beyond thrifty. The sets were made of chicken wire and spray paint, and both components were visible in the finished product. But, for the primary enemies of Marshall, Will and Holly, the dinosaurs, the producers dug far deeper in the budget. They dug so deep they came up in someone else’s budget.

In fact, the dinosaurs were actually from other movies. Those on the down low will recognize the key action sequences from Japanese cinema. The producers merged stock film footage with footage of the actors running ( usually in the wrong direction ). And if the recycled dino footage wasn’t dangerous enough for our heroes, there were aliens too! Sleestaks and Cha-Ka and Enik oh my!

I hope this show really makes the leap to the big screen. The buzz says Will Ferrel may star as Rick Marshall. Good for him. A fantastically successful comedic actor could always use another 70’s TV show remake on his resume.

If anyone savors an explosion more than Americans, and one only need read the line in the national anthem that betrays our preoccupation with things blowing up – and the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air – it’s the Germans. But this time they’ve gone way too far. Now their toads are exploding!

To quote the Berlin AP – “Hundreds of toads have met a bizarre and sinister end in Germany in recent days, it was reported: they exploded.” This situation is so bad that experts have labeled a lake in Hamburg as “the pond of death.”

And the cause seems even more sinister than the end result. According to Otto Horst, a veterinarian, “I have never seen such a thing,” Which is German for – we have no idea why the hell this is happening. That goes double for me Otto. I don’t want to watch a toad burst. Unlike you Otto, I have a theory.

Look Germany – first you lead the Western world in unemployment (13.5%) and now your toads are exploding. Amphibians are the most sensitive to pollution and the first to feel the effects. It’s not a reach to assume that there are contaminants in that lake. Instead of dispatching biologists to watch the toads blow up at 2 AM every night – collect some batrachians who haven’t exploded and conduct autopsies. Sage advice. Unless all the doctors, chemists and pathologists are on the dole.

People of Germany, I’m here to help, not hurt.

For each enterprise the drive for expansion drives the need for a credit line, and for Buddhapuss Books, that time is now. Offers for credit arrived nearly from day one. By the four month of operation the cat had five solicitations. Not to be rushed, Master Buddhapuss researched wisely, and selected the shortest form with the least questions. It was also the only offer with the option of a black card. Since he had the dry heaves when the mail arrived that day, I handled the phone call to the bank. After the routine security questions, our discussion turned to real specifics.

Account Manager: Before I enable the card, I have to ask some questions about the business.
Sam: Hit me.
Account Manager: Do you operate a farm, commercial or private, or do you provide, sell or distribute farm equipment, or sell raw materials to farms?
Sam: Buddhapuss Books sells…um…books.
Account Manager: Would you say the gross revenue for 2004 was less than 2,000,000?
Sam: Yes.
Account Manager: OK, your card is now active. Thank you for choosing XXXXXXXXXXX.

Nearly anyone can get credit these days, eh? Excuse me, Buddhapuss just ordered sushi pizza again….