Great news for New Jersey smack addicts! For the second year in a row, New Jersey leads the nation in heroin purity. Yeah! We finally win at something besides hockey. For those keeping score – it’s no competition – Jersey heroin is more than twice as pure than the national average. According to the DEA this is a direct result of NJ hallowed honor as the first stop for drug traffickers. Since eighty percent of the goods shipped to the East Coast by freight start in Elizabeth, NJ must be a few more articles in those sea containers than cheap furniture and fake watches.

In honor of retaining this title here’s the new state theme song.

Wanna ride the horse?
You don’t need no ranch fool

Philly, Baltimore, New York City?
The smack they got ain’t too pretty

Come to the Garden State today
And let the nations best heroin
Take you away

Repeat 2x and add guitar solo.

Study the full breakdown and DEA comments.

The great bit about humor, is that when trying to funny I’m usually not, and when I’m serious, the Wife falls down laughing. Like when I asked if my hair was thinning. Men out there know, no greater question faces a man over thirty. Well perhaps the risk of fatherhood or a heart attack. But losing hair ranks high on the obsess list.

Sam( using a handheld mirror ): Honey, is my hair looking thinner on top?
The Wife: I knew it was a mistake to buy a new mirror. Now you can actually see your whole head.
Sam: So that means I am?

Snatching the portable, The Wife tosses it in the trash. The glass breaks, shards rattling against the sides of the empty receptacle.

The Wife: Not that you can see.
Sam ( points to broken mirror ): Isn’t that seven years bad luck?
The Wife: Beats watching you stare at yourself all night.

Are you a no good, lowdown, dirty old Focker? And if you are, is your first name Gaylord or Martha? Oh boy, luck has smiled on you today my friends! Years of torment and insults from peers are about to reap rewards of the very public kind.

What do I mean? If your last name is Focker, then Sony Pictures wants to talk to you. Yep, Hollywood is calling and not even collect. Ask for Ben “Little Ben” Stiller. Martha Focker! At last you have bragging rights over your cube mates, Bob Schmuck and Ira Lipshitz. This is a big time, serious tribute.

Reading about this promotion reminded me other unfortunate appellations. I thought to myself, what better time for a list? Here’s my favorite names with great potential for comedy, in no particular order. Please add yours to the comments.

NOTE: The names you add must be real, none of this Ben Dover business.

1) Christopher “Chris” Coe
2) Harold Lutz
3) Mitch Gaylord
4) Dikla Weitz