This important discovery just in! Drinking protein powder shakes after 11pm is dangerous. Right about now, I feel like something is going to break, or rupture. Or worse. The powder and milk have congealed to form some kind of bitter sludge, which itself produces a second and most dastardly effect, namely an aftertaste that won’t quit.

I’ve brushed my teeth twice, still the wretched taste runs wild and free in my mouth. Why did I not listen to the wife and buy some Pepicid AC? Nope, I had to be a big shot and eat a grease ladden dinner and then wash it all down with lots of dairy.

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BEEP. CUT TO COLOR BARS….

This is a test of the Emergency Blog System. Had this been a real emergency you’d have heard me screaming and crying like a little girl. This is only a test.

It’s been ten years since Kurt Cobain killed himself. Actually I missed the anniversary yesterday.

The unfortunate event seemed like a big deal at the time, but right about now it seems like a minor footnote to the whole grunge era. Speaking of grunge have you seen or heard any grunge music lately? Probably not. Any kids saying they want to be Kurt Cobain these days? That I can’t answer, but my bet is no.

The only thing I ever see when thinking about Kurt is his widow Courtney Love. Consider her recent court appearance ( with slight paraphrasing for entertainment purposes ).

Judge: How do you plead to these charges?
Courtney: My attorney is fired!
Judge: On what grounds?
Courtney: His tie is ugly. He must die! This court is a sham!
Judge: You’re not doing yourself any favors.
Courtney: Attorney rehired!
Judge: Are those needle tracks on your arms?
Courtney: Just some mosquito bites.
Judge: Mosquito bites in March?
Courtney: What can I say judge? Everyone’s looking for a little fix.
Judge: What is that you’re eating?
Courtney: Tic-tacs.
Judge: That looks like phenobarbital from here.
Courtney: I didn’t bring enough to share if that’s what you’re asking.

My new credo is to set a timer whenever I boil eggs on the stove. This morning, my eggs had been over the flame for awhile, but not too long ( or so I thought ). A loud crack pierced through the air suddenly, reminding me of my forgotten breakfast project. Uh oh.

Racing to the kitchen, the cracking turned out to be one of the eggs rupturing as it writhed inside an empty pot over a scalding hot flame. It just snapped and went postal inside there. The egg is now a pinnata. I’m happy to report the pot will survive and though it has some not so nice char marks on it, with any luck I’ll sort that out before the wife gets home. Oh, is the wife reading this? Everything is great, honey! Nothing is broken!

Speaking of eggs, here’s another tip. Let’s just say you have some well cooked hard boiled eggs sitting in the refrigerator awaiting future consumption. After peeling the shell and taking a bite, perhaps it might seem like a good idea to warm this stone cold egg. After all, mom always said don’t eat cold food unless it’s a vegetable right?

Please be warned. The microwave is no place to reheat a hardboiled egg, unless you want egg confetti.

Question – is it illegal to blog while intoxicated? Seriously, is that bad form? Not that I’m intoxicated at 2pm on a Sunday but…

Every so often I buy a copy of the Weekly World News, which is the 21st century equivalent of the Dukes of Hazard. Just like the Dukes of Hazards TV show at it’s peak, no one owned up to watching but somehow it was a top ten show each week, few people admit to reading Weekly World News. Yet despite this obvious handicap it manages to eke out highest circulation of any weekly magazine. Man, I love America!

So for those of you who don’t read it *cough* I’ll share a “story” from the March 29th, 2004 issue.

In a recent and shocking development, new photos in the WWN show that Marilyn Monroe was a vampire. Yes a vampire! But wait there’s more! Not only was Marilyn a vampire, J. Edgar Hoover ordered her killed to protect John F. Kennedy from being bitten.

But wait! There’s even more! Marilyn Monroe was only one of a number of Hollywood vampires. Also named are James Dean, Rock Hudson, Marlene Dietrich and Greta Garbo.

One great thing about the libel laws in this country, once you die, the facts cease to matter. Come on now, Marilyn a vampire? Granted she sucked, but I’m pretty sure she left the blood inside the organ. Of course, we’d have to summon the spirit of JFK to be sure.